june, 1.

tonight i am feeling very odd. i'm in a writing mood but i have nothing to write about. i keep sneezing and i'm so cold. but i cannot turn my ceiling fan off. the washing machine sound it creates is so comforting.

i don;t know what to feel, i wanted this summer to be amazing but it's going to be horrible. maybe i complain too much.
but today i realized i should be happy and i was happy and now i am not.
it's like i can't ever stay happy without being sad. i just. i need. nfdsj. i need.

does anyone read this? fucking hell. if you do, please just call me right now. get a phone. call me. sing me a pretty song or tell me you are thinking about me. i don't care what time it is, just call me so i can stop feeling so alone. i really need someone right now and i can't find anyone.

i went out to dinner tonight.
i'm starting to eat more, i guess. but that doesn't really matter.
i'm trying to be happy but everyone keeps saying it's not something you try to do.
it's just something you do? or some shit.
I CAN'T BE HAPPY.
I CAN'T FUCKING BE HAPPY AND I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO DISAPPEAR.



please lay down and breathe with me?
give me music, too. your favorite songs. i don't have enough music.

i think i just need to breathe and go see a therapist and talk about why i feel like such a god damn freak.

june, 1.

thursday, may 28.

Ry is a kitty (2:32:49 AM): i dunno. love is too complex
Ry is a kitty (2:32:53 AM): i want to give my love to everyone


wouldn't that be amazing?

tonight i am thinking about life.
i feel as if i am floating away sometimes. but then someone comes around and puts nails into my feet again. i don't like being grounded. just let me go.
i wonder who reads these, really. probably no one. that scares me because i want someone to read these. i want them to know how i feel.
if you're reading this, call me. i miss you. yes. you. i miss YOU.

you're so far away. doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?~ it would be so good to see your face at my door.

tomorrow i will sign up for the gym. and clean. i will. i will. well...maybe.

i am gorgeous. i am skinny enough. i am loved.
am i loved by you?

i am very hopeful.

i was supposed to write in this every day. oops.
i never really come on here anymore. i think this summer i am going to work out a LOT and make myself not look so fucking weak. imma clean my whole house and keep it that way. i am going to get a job.
i will be alone but at least i can do something with my time.

i am
a heartbreaker,
a liar,
honest,
one voice,
a million words,
crazy,
sweet,
mean,
never alone,
always lonely,
scared,
worried,
lovely.

i have
pretty bones,
fucked up mind,
no ego,
no life,
chalk,
bubbles,
love love love,
heartache,
music!,
nothing,
everything,
problems.

i remember,
blue skies,
your smile,
the way she loved me,
the way she still loves me,
the way he is forgetting about me,
forgetting about him,
breathing,
driving for hours,
smoking pot,
taking pills,
slicing skin,
sucking boys,
feeling needed,
feeling slutty,
closing my eyes and wondering where i was,
wanting to be alive,
wanting to be dead,
realizing i have to stay alive,
her.

i need.
happiness.
honesty.
love.
simplicity.



the end.

friday, may 22.

oh god. i am doing what i did on my last blog.
just writing blogs about people but i can't stop myself. ndkf.

you remind me of.
being inside a cold house and then going outside to lay down on the warm cement.
when all the sugar in ice tea stays at the bottom. and when you drink it, it's grainy and sweet but so good.
big headphones that make my ears ring when i take them off.
standing on a bridge overpass, my arms outstretched, on the ledge, my body swaying, feeling like an angel. feeling like my soul is clean.
black and white pictures that remind me of heartache. and happiness. all at once.
sunflowers. and lillys.
you remind me that life is not so bad!

thank you.
thank you.
thank you.


today was good. i got out of bed. slow steps, the voice in the back of my mind whispers softly, slow steps to becoming okay again. happy again.

thursday, may 21. of course.

my soulmate is very beautiful.
she has pretty skin and beautiful eyes. long arms and a cute nose. a silly little smile and sometimes a coy grin. a i'm-six-years-old pout and a quiet little giggle. she is everything i could ever ask for or need.
she has a gorgeous body. perfectly placed bones and god, i just love her.

but really it's how her soul shines. that is what makes me love her as much as i do. it blinds me. but in a good way. like staring at the sun until it turns colors. she is so caring to me. and so loving. sometimes i feel as though i don't deserve her. but then she makes that fear go away by making me feel good about myself.

i want to marry her and have kids with her.
all with c names. so we get confused and end up just going "you! you know who you are. come here."
to them.
i want to get jealous over any guy she talks to and i want her to laugh at me when i do.
i want to kiss her every day for the rest of my life.
and i know she wants the same.
we are going to have a beautiful little house in a small city. with adorable but psycho children that we spoil way too much.
i was never good at planning my life out but knowing her has just made everything fall into place.

oh god. look what being in love does to you.

klgnklffd. she's always on my mind. every second. of every day. of every week. of every month. of every year.
since the day we met.

thursday, may 21. again.

oh i love you so very much.
so much in fact that imma switch it up.
imma take this room i've built for fun.
burn down the walls in front of everyone.
so they see you and me,
dancing in our sleepy clothes.
with two big smiles and a bowl of hope.

last night i stayed up until seven in the morning and i slept until two in the afternoon.
how is my life supposed to change if i do nothing to fix it?
i feel the need to inform you that i am falling apart again.
maybe.
i don't know. i can just feel the way my heart is starting to ache.

i have to go clean the house now.

maybe today will be a good day.
{i miss you.)